Perfectionism, Minorities, and the Queer Experience: Finding Real Safety

Perfectionism is often portrayed as an admirable trait, but for many of us, it’s a heavy burden. It’s especially true for minorities, and more so for queer individuals, who are often navigating not just the world around them, but also internalized expectations shaped by society’s views on identity, worth, and success. Perfectionism, in these contexts, can be a means of seeking safety—trying to be “good enough” to avoid rejection, violence, or invalidation. But this way of seeking security can ultimately create a sense of unsafety within ourselves.

For queer people and other marginalized groups, perfectionism isn’t just about meeting personal goals. It becomes a survival mechanism. It’s about fitting in, pleasing others, and making sure we are seen as worthy of love, respect, and rights. The stakes feel much higher when your existence has been marginalized or stigmatized for your identity. When you’re not given the safety net of unconditional acceptance, you might find yourself turning to perfectionism as a way to fill that void—a way to secure validation and find safety in a world that has often made you feel unsafe.

The Impact of Perfectionism on Minorities

Perfectionism in minorities can often be a response to constant external and internal pressure to conform, succeed, and prove their worth. When the world has shown you that being “different”—whether in your race, sexuality, gender, or background—might not be enough for you to be accepted, the desire to be perfect in every other way can become all-consuming.

For queer people, especially those from marginalized backgrounds, perfectionism can manifest in different ways. You might overcompensate by trying to embody all the “right” aspects of queerness—the “ideal” queer image that fits society’s narrow view of LGBTQ+ people, or the “proper” level of queerness that others expect. Alternatively, you might set impossibly high standards for yourself, trying to prove to the world, and to yourself, that you’re good enough, safe enough, acceptable enough.

This pressure to be “perfect” can lead to a range of mental health challenges: anxiety, depression, burnout, feelings of inadequacy, and even internalized shame. It creates a gap between your true self and the version you feel forced to present. The more you try to meet these expectations, the further you can feel from genuine connection—not just with others, but with yourself.

Safety-Seeking and its Dangers

Safety-seeking behaviors are natural responses when we feel threatened or unsafe. However, when it comes to perfectionism, the behaviors we adopt to protect ourselves can actually make us feel more isolated and disconnected. For queer individuals, the need to seek safety through perfectionism may lead to trying to please others, hiding parts of yourself, or conforming to a version of yourself that feels like it will earn approval.

But the danger is that in seeking safety this way, we can lose touch with our authenticity. We can start to feel like we’re living in someone else’s life—like we’re playing a role that we never asked for. In turn, this distance from who we really are only perpetuates feelings of alienation and deepens the sense of not being safe anywhere, including within our own bodies and minds.

What Can We Do? Returning to Real Safety

True safety doesn’t come from perfectionism. In fact, the pursuit of perfection often makes us more vulnerable—vulnerable to burnout, to internal conflict, to loneliness. Genuine safety comes from connection—to ourselves, to others, and to the truth of our identities.

To find genuine safety, we need to give ourselves permission to stop seeking approval through perfection and instead focus on embracing our humanity—flaws, vulnerabilities, and all. This means accepting that we can’t—and don’t need to—be perfect. We need to create spaces, within ourselves and in our communities, where we can show up as our authentic selves, without fear of rejection or judgment.

Here are a few ways to begin that journey back to safety:

1. Practice Self-Compassion: It’s crucial to be kind to yourself when you feel the pull of perfectionism. Acknowledge the pressure you’ve been under to conform, but remember that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are, imperfections and all. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to a dear friend in struggle.

2. Create Safe Spaces: Seek out communities—whether they be queer spaces, POC spaces, or other minority-led circles—where acceptance isn’t earned through perfection. Find people who allow you to show up as you are, without needing to “prove” anything. True belonging comes when we’re accepted for our full, authentic selves.

3. Challenge Internalized Expectations: Often, we internalize societal standards of what we should be and how we should behave. These expectations can come from family, media, or even our own queer communities. Take time to reflect on where these pressures come from, and whether they truly align with your values. Let go of the ones that do not serve you.

4. Embrace Imperfection: Embracing imperfection can be difficult, especially when perfectionism feels like a survival strategy. But remember that imperfection doesn’t equate to worthlessness—it’s part of being human. Lean into the spaces where you can be real, messy, and unapologetically you.

5. Therapy: Therapy can be an invaluable tool for those struggling with perfectionism. Through therapy, we can explore the roots of these perfectionistic tendencies, understand how they’ve served us (and harmed us), and begin to dismantle them in a supportive, compassionate environment.

A Final Note

To all the queer individuals, and all those navigating the intersections of marginalization, perfectionism doesn’t need to be your survival strategy anymore. You deserve a life where safety isn’t something you have to constantly chase or earn. Your true safety lies in the acceptance of who you are, imperfections and all. You are enough. And the world—your community, your family, and your own heart—will be much safer when you show up as the full, authentic person you are.

You deserve to return to safety, not by being perfect, but by being real.